I did not know life would get so different. I think there is a fancy name for what I am going through. I am close to 25 and my situation is called – quarter-life crisis. What I really do not understand at this point is – who the hell I am!? I mean, is quarter-life crisis synonyms with an identity crisis? Because I genuinely cannot fathom who this person in the mirror is?
It was never the case with me. I have had my shares of ups and downs in whatever life I have lived so far. I have seen my dreams shatter. I have succumbed to emotional pain. I have been through so many losses and struggles. In fact, if you go to see, there are so many possibilities in my life right now which were never there before! But I guess this is where the problem lies. These are all – possibilities. And now I am looking for certainties.
I guess I am at the close. This is the beginning of the end. This is where I get the answers to all my questions. Questions I have been asking myself right from my childhood. Who I would be when I get older? How much money I would have? Where I would live? Who would be my partner? All these questions are about to answer themselves in a couple of years and I think this is why it is all so scary.
The caterpillar knew from the very beginning that he wanted to be a butterfly. But now that the cocoon is forming he is not sure. He doesn’t know who he is right now. And that is worse. He misses being a caterpillar because then at least he had his identity. But he also wants wings and wishes to fly from flower to flower. He is so confused. So desperate. He is suffocating. There is so much heat around. He can’t breathe! Damn, this transformation is tough! But he needs to hold on. He needs to survive this cocoon phase in order to become a butterfly. He doesn’t know what lies ahead. He doesn’t know if he would be a pretty butterfly or the brown ugly one. But one thing is for certain that he would at least have wings if he survives in his cocoon phase. The rest is fate. He cannot fight destiny. It is not in his hands. What he can really do is fight for his survival. If he dies in the cocoon, he would never have wings. He would die without knowing who he really was.
I am this caterpillar. And all of you who are or will be in my place are caterpillars too. And all the butterflies out there have been caterpillars too at one point in time. We can all relate to this. In our younger years, we did not mind crawling on the grass because we knew we are working towards being butterflies. We were all happy students. Learning, studying and enjoying our lives. We knew we would get our degrees and we would find some prospects ahead to build our careers. We were fumbling in our encounters with potential lovers. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Waiting for the ONE to arrive. That one extraordinary love that would stay in our lives. There were no expectations from us other than being a good caterpillar.
And now, we have all gotten those goddamn degrees and we are kick-starting our careers. We are finding the love of our lives. Or not. We want to be loved and held and caressed. And we want to travel the world and take care of our loved ones. We want to buy our own things and see each of our dreams materialise in front of our eyes. We are seeing our fellow caterpillars become butterflies while we still struggle with the cocoon. We are waiting for our cocoons to break and our fate to unfold. We want those wings so desperately. And we don’t want them to be brown and ugly. We want them to be pretty. And if they don’t turn out pretty we are so ready to work hard to beautify them.
We want to be butterflies. But more so we want to know who we are. We want to recognise ourselves. But hey! We are doing our best! We are surviving! We are enough!!! We are in the process. We cannot skip it. Because if we do, we wouldn’t value it. But that doesn’t mean we don’t value ourselves right now!
To everyone out there in their cocoons. Just hang in there. You will become a butterfly- soon. Just don’t beat yourself up in the most difficult phase of your life. This is transition. Transformation! You may not know who you are or when will the struggle end or how will you survive this. But. You. Will. Become….. A butterfly!